Home
by HideousBlob
Summary: Awkward rambling oneshot, no shipping, hints of ZADF I guess I don't know. COMPLETE


A/N: reupload

Original A/N: I was tired of the usual fanfiction word/theme lists, so I asked people on Tumblr to give me fifty new prompts and I'm going to try to work through all fifty. (Note from the future: i did not get through all fifty. i've pretty much given up on that) Here's the first one.

I know stars don't really work this way, but, uhh... this show has a lot of weird nonscience in it, so let's pretend, okay? And parts of this take place during canon at different points (like when Dib says/narrates that he's never seen Zim eat, say that part is before the 'waffle incident') while parts of this take place after canon.

* * *

Dib lucked into this particular pattern.

He'd just happened to be observing directly the first month. The first month after the alien landed to the day, Dib was sitting on the roof of the house across the street.

He was watching the door and windows. He wouldn't even have _noticed _what was going on on the roof if Zim's voice didn't carry so far.

Dib started in shock when he heard it, and almost dropped the binoculars. He wasn't used to it. Hearing a mostly-human sounding voice and knowing it came from something that had been born lightyears away. Something green and bug-eyed and evil! A monster! A freak! And it was Dib's job to eradicate this evil before it- it- what was it saying?

"I said _be quiet!" _The alien sounded irritated. Maybe it was going to do something evil. Where was it? On the roof! Dib focused his binoculars. There was Zim and there was his little robot thing, bobbling around. Dib didn't quite 'get' the robot or what its job was supposed to be. It didn't seem that important, honestly. The robot seemed pretty stupid. It was just some kind of alien slave thingy.

Zim was sitting at the edge of the roof with his little legs dangling off, scowling with his arms wrapped around his body. He was in disguise and his horrible fake eyes were narrowed in malevolence. What dark thoughts lurked behind that gaze? What black evil filled that disgusting green head?

"If you fall off the roof I won't fix you," Zim snapped to his robot. What a jerk! He was even horrible to his own servant! How wretched. Dib couldn't wait to defeat this monster.

Also, gosh, Zim was loud. Dib could hear him way over here. Every word.

Zim was watching the sky. The hairs on the back of Dib's neck stood up. Could he be waiting for reinforcements?

The robot said something and Zim replied with "I already TOLD you, Irk's star is visible only one day a month because of some... planet... orbital... thingy- I don't know! But we're going to look at it!"

The robot nodded. Zim looked up into the sky and said something else that actually did not carry across the street. Dib would have to learn to read lips.

Minutes passed. Zim sat and waited, occasionally barking something at his robot. Fine. Dib would also sit and wait.

The clouds parted eventually. Zim bolted to an upright position, pointing into the sky. "THERE!"

Dib looked, but couldn't tell which star Zim was pointing at.

Zim nodded. There was a confident smirk on his face. "Home, GIR. In a few short weeks or so this place will be conquered and we'll be heading back!"

Dib quivered. Not if he had anything to say about it!

Zim sat there for a while longer, looking all- all smirky and confident. Dib was going to get him. Dib was going to get him good.

"HEY!"

Dib looked down to see a legless man on a lawn chair in the yard of the house Dib had chosen for his spying spot.

"What are you doin' on my roof, big head kid?" the guy yelled.

Dib ran.

It wasn't his fault this house had a perfect view of the alien's residence.

* * *

The next month Dib caught the ritual on a surveillance camera he'd set up in the house next to Zim's. It went pretty much the same as the first time, Zim sat outside, gave a little inspirational speech to his robot, watched the sky for a little bit, then went back inside looking invigorated.

Dib had caught on. He watched Zim's roof the same time every month from then on.

The third time, Zim came out alone. He sat in silence on the roof with his little digital notepad, writing all night. Probably an evil plan.

He was alone the fourth and fifth nights, too. On the fourth night he only came out briefly- stood on the roof for about an hour, standing there frozen and silent and squinting into the sky, and then going back inside. Dib watched the video feed the whole rest of the night waiting for him to come back, which was boring.

The fifth month Zim sat on the edge of the roof and ate a sandwich, looking sullen the whole time. The sky was overcast that night with no stars visible.

Dib had never seen Zim eat before and he spent the rest of the night wondering what was in that sandwich.

The sixth month, Zim brought GIR onto the roof with him. Dib reflected that he had now kept the Earth safe from this monster for half a year.

"We won't be able to see this again for another six months, GIR," he snapped. "So pay attention."

Zim was in an unnaturally foul mood, even for him.

"What's the matter, space boy?" Dib muttered, lying on his stomach on his bed watching the video feed on his laptop. "Taking over Earth not as easy as you expected? I wonder why."

Zim scowled into the sky, thumping his heel against the wall of his house. "There it is, GIR. Home."

"Wouldn't it be a shame if you never saw it again?" Dib said, laying his chin on his folded hands and narrowing his eyes.

Zim took a deep breath and let it out, folding his arms over his chest. GIR threw the toy he was playing with over the side of the roof and chirped "Oops! Oh nooo!"

They hung out there for quite a while. Dib eventually fell asleep on his keyboard.

* * *

Dib didn't remember the thing with the star six months later. He caught Zim going out to look at it because... he was watching Zim anyway.

He brought Skoodge with him this time instead of GIR.

"Yep," Skoodge said, standing a few feet behind Zim, who was sitting on the edge of the roof. "That sure is Irk's star. I guess you haven't seen Irk in a while."

Zim grunted. Dib realized that Zim had been on Earth for a year now.

"Huh," Dib mumbled, popping a piece of popcorn into his mouth.

"That must be weird," Skoodge said.

Zim grunted again.

"The month it took me to conquer Blorch was pretty hectic!"

"Go back inside!" Zim spat.

Dib chortled.

Skoodge shrugged. "Okay. It's pretty cold out." He headed inside.

Dib tossed a piece of popcorn into the air and tried to catch it with his mouth. It bounced off his glasses instead, leaving a greasy spot that marred his vision. "Man." He took off his glasses, cleaned them and put them back on.

Dib supposed he should hate Skoodge, because he was an evil Irken like Zim who'd apparently actually conquered a planet. He made a mental note to hate Skoodge.

Zim was sitting slumped with his elbows resting on his knees and his chin on his hands.

Dib leaned forward, folding his arms on his desk. "What are you thinking about?" he said. "Skoodge could do it in a month. You sure couldn't. Are you wondering what your deal is? Maybe your little friend is better at your job than you are." Dib felt the corner of his mouth quirking up into a smile. "Or maybe I'm just _awesome." _He tossed another piece of popcorn and tried to catch it. Success. He savored the salty crunch.

Zim looked pensive.

"Oh boy, you really are plotting something, aren't you?" Dib muttered. "I have a werewolf to catch this weekend, Zim. This better not waste all my time."

Zim sighed slightly. He got up and went inside.

Dib was pretty sure a Mysterious Mysteries rerun was on.

* * *

Zim went and checked on the star the next two months, but not the third.

Dib started to wonder about his whereabouts around midnight. He glanced out the window. It was a clear night. Not that that would have mattered- if it happened to be cloudy and Zim wanted a look at the sky, he would just stand on the roof and yell at the clouds. Or shoot at them.

It was a weekend and Dib didn't usually go to bed until 3 AM on weekends, so he headed over to Zim's house.

He knocked on the door.

"I knew you'd come crawling back," Zim said from inside.

Dib doubted Zim was talking to him. He opened the door.

"Not _you!" _Zim was sitting on the couch. He picked up GIR and threw him at Dib. Dib ducked and a giggling GIR went sailing over his head.

Dib walked into the living room.

"Get out," said Zim, not looking away from the TV.

"Were you expecting Skoodge?"

"No."

"Minimoose?"

"No."

There was a message stuck into the wall with a knife. Dib walked over and read it.

ZIM

IF YOU CAN READ THIS I MOVED OUT

IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS I ACCIDENTALLY SET YOUR BASE ON FIRE WHEN I STARTED UP MY VOOT SORRY ABOUT THAT YOU MIGHT BE DEAD IF THAT HAPPENED SORRY ABOUT THAT TOO!

I'M CHECKING OUT SOME OTHER STUFF ON THE PLANET

YOU STILL HAVE RATS IN YOUR BASEMENT

INVADER SKOODGE SIGNING OFF

Zim was starting to chuckle maniacally. The laughter built up to full-blown screeching.

"You killed him?" Dib guessed.  
"It was _I_ who loosed the rats into the basement!"

"That sounds pretty stupid."

"What do you think of _that?" _Zim demanded.

"Uh. Stupid?"

"He mooches off me for three months. Three! Then he just leaves without bidding me a proper goodbye to my _face! _He left rotting garbage behind, too! It's all over the basement!"

"Around here, that could have been anyone."

"Oh well, the rats will eat it." Zim tipped his head back and took a long swig from a slim, amber-colored glass bottle. Dib's eyes almost bugged out of his head. Then he saw it was labeled 'cream soda'. With an Irken logo under the 'soda'. Phew.

Zim wiped his mouth with the back of his arm. "Ungrateful pig. Eating my food. Habitating under my roof. I could almost-"

He threw his arm back, as if to fling the bottle. He looked at the bottle. He took another pull from it instead.

"_Did_ you kill him?" Dib asked.

"Nah I can't find him," Zim said.

Dib leaned back on one foot. He kept a close eye on that bottle in case Zim did decide to throw it. "What exactly was your relationship with Skoodge?"

"Henh?" Zim tipped the bottle upside down and shook it, frowning. He'd finished it, apparently. Dib didn't understand why people did that to empty bottles. They were making sure it was empty, right? If it turned out not to be empty wouldn't they be wasting the rest of the contents by tipping it over?

"Were you friends?"

Zim snorted. "No. Irkens have no friendship, Dib. We take no friends, no companions, no- egh- lovers. We have allies, servants and enemies. That is all!"

"Oh, okay. So him leaving isn't why you're not out there looking at your planet's star?"

Zim chuckled. Then he looked at Dib for the first time since Dib had come in. "What?"

"On the roof." Dib pointed upwards, and then thought maybe that gesture hadn't been entirely necessary to get his point across, because Zim knew where the roof was, but whatever. "You usually go look at it every month."

Zim cocked his head to the side, raising one antennae and observing Dib with wide oval eyes and his mouth in a neutral position. He looked curious. Intrigued.

Dib had been studying this alien beast for over a year now and he still didn't know what Zim was thinking half the time. Insanity could do that, he guessed. Zim's insanity, of course. Dib was not crazy. _Not crazy._

Zim was still staring at him. "What?" Dib asked finally.

"You know about that?" Zim sounded... civil. This was way creepier than rage.

"Yeah," Dib said. "I know lots of things."

"You've been observing me, huh?"

"Yeah."

Zim nodded. Still with that odd, calm expression, he smashed the cream soda bottle against the floor. He got up and headed into the kitchen.

Dib stood where he was for a minute.

He heard Zim screaming in the kitchen. Just... just screaming.

Dib left the base at a swift walk.

* * *

The next day Zim acted as if nothing had happened and claimed Dib was insane or lying when Dib tried to bring it up.

The next month Zim came out on the roof with GIR and Minimoose. He sat down and watched the sky. He had his maudlin face on. Oh boy.

Dib zoomed in the camera so he could observe the slightest change in Zim's expression. Zim did odd things when he was in this kind of mood. Zim also confessed a lot of things when he felt this way.

He watched Zim take in a huge, shuddering breath and let it out. "Well, there it is," he said.

"Yep," GIR said. "WHAT ARE WE LOOKING AT?"

Zim pretended there hadn't been a question. "You know, GIR. Sometimes I think..." He trailed off.

"What? Think what?" Dib demanded. (He supposed talking to a one-way video feed where the other person-or-inhuman-alien-thingy-that-wasn't-a-person couldn't hear him was marginally better than talking to himself.)

"Never mind," Zim said, putting his arm around GIR's shoulders. Dib wrinkled up his nose. Zim acting nice to his robots always seemed fake and gross and wrong. Zim was an alien, he wasn't nice. And the next minute he could be shoving GIR around and yelling at him.

They sat there like that for a while and then Zim gave GIR a little push on the back. A gentle push. For once. "Go inside, GIR."

"Okay." GIR headed back in.

Zim pulled his knees up to his chest and folded his arms on his knees, leaning forward. He looked small. He _was _small. He was shorter than Dib now. Dib had at first thought the alien was shrinking and wondered if there was something important going on. Then Dib had realized he himself was getting taller, as preteen children tended to do, while Zim- an adult of his species- was staying the same size.

Minimoose bobbed up and down in the air, smiling blandly. Dib had wondered a few times if he should take Minimoose out. He'd always decided not to. It was... it was just a floating moose. An evil alien floating moose, but... whatever... Dib would think about it again later.

"You know, Minimoose," Zim said in a tone that was so _very _casual it sounded totally fake, "sometimes I think I won't _be _going home."

"Nyeh!" Minimoose squeaked with a broad grin.

"Haha, yeah." Zim rested his chin on his folded arms.

"Why wouldn't you be going home?" Dib asked the screen. "Are you afraid of me killing you? Is that it? Are you sick or something? Are you going to go directly on from Earth to another innocent planet? You can't just live here, you know."

Zim sat bolt upright, lifting his head. "Wait!"

"Wait what?" Dib demanded.

Minimoose squeaked.

"Sweep the area for bugs and spy devices," Zim said, narrowing his eyes. "Dib knows far too much about my habits lately."

Dang.

Dib watched as Minimoose zipped around. The video feed filled up with an image of glowing red eyes. Minimoose squeaked, and the image went to static.

* * *

Dib wasn't able to observe Zim's roof next month, and he knew that the star thing was only visible for six months out of the year.

On March 23rd of the next year, Dib walked over to Zim's house. He climbed the secret ladder he'd installed in the back yard and went to the roof.

He saw Zim's back facing him. The little alien was sitting with his feet dangling off the edge of the roof with Minimoose sitting on his head between his antennae.

He looked like he might fall off if Dib startled him. Dib waited a moment.

Zim wasn't turning around.

"You need to learn when you're being watched," Dib said. Zim whipped around, staring. "Or maybe don't. I don't know. I don't know how you've even survived the last two years. I guess you lucked out, Zim, you found the only planet with a native population dumber than you are."

"Get off my roof," Zim said.

Dib took off his backpack. "Happy anniversary."

Zim was apparently too confused for words.

Dib sat down next to him. "So, you know what? I've seen you out here looking into the sky a lot but I never figured out where your star actually _is."_

Zim was trembling. "Explain!"

"Well, I've seen you pointing at it but-"

"What are you _doing here?"_

"Oh. Anniversary, you know, a yearly commemoration of an event. In this case..." Dib winced. "In this case... man. Meeting you is a terrible anniversary. I wish you'd never come here! What am I doing?"

"I don't know!" Zim frowned. "You're here to push me off the roof, aren't you?"

"I guess I could do that."

Zim extended two of those weird metal legs from his Pak and grabbed onto the roof with them. Just in case, apparently.

"I got you something." Dib took the wrapped present out of his backpack.

Zim looked wary. Dib handed him the present.

"I see now," Zim said. "This is why you're really here. To give me this thing. I won't fall for it."

"I was bored," Dib said.

"Uh huh."

As Dib had known would happen, Zim's curiosity got the better of him and he tore open the present.

"What-" Zim picked up the item inside and stared at it. "It's Zim."

"Yeah."

"Only... brutalized!"

Dib shrugged. The thing he'd given Zim was a voodoo doll that had not achieved the desired effect. Dib had kind of gone to town on it. Nothing had happened to the real Zim as consequence, but it had been fun.

"I don't... I don't understand," Zim said. "What is this madness?"

Dib stood up. "Just reminding you. I'm watching. Always watching."

"Okay? I knew that."

"And I remember everything. Bye. Have a nice night."

Dib started walking away.

Zim stared at his voodoo doll. "Wait!"

Dib turned around.

"I too have a gift." Zim rummaged through his pockets. "Uh- erm- not that- uh- HERE!"

He pulled out a wad of used gum.

"Okay," Dib said. "I don't really want that."

Zim crumpled some of the torn wrapping paper around the wad of gum and held it out.

"I don't want that," Dib repeated.

Zim looked irritated. "It's a 'gift.'"

"I don't-"

Zim threw the crumpled-up ball of gum and wrapping paper. It bounced off Dib's head and rolled around on the roof.

Dib took it, realizing that the chewed gum contained a saliva sample.

"Now get out of here," Zim said.

Dib left.

* * *

Zim did not watch the star the next month, or the month after. The legless neighbor had gotten used to Dib being on his roof at least. He watched Dib watch Zim.

Once he tried to make conversation. "You friends with the runnin', screamin' guy?"

"Nope," Dib replied, peering through Zim's window with the binoculars. Zim was on his hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. Come on, he had to have technology that could do that. Dib still didn't always understand Zim. Maybe some paranormal creatures just had thought processes that were inaccessible to humans, or maybe it would take another two years... of course, eventually Zim would be observed properly, in a laboratory setting...

"He does a lot a yard work, mmhmm."

"Mm," Dib said.

One day Dib took his usual post and the guy wasn't in the yard. Weird. He was always in the yard. Dib noticed these things.

The other different thing was that Zim was baking something. Dib had never seen him bake.

When the thing was finished baking Zim put his disguise on and crossed the street with the casserole dish. He knocked on the door of the very house Dib was sitting on.

Whoever was going to come to the door would be taller than Zim. Zim would have to look up to talk to them, and might notice Dib on the roof as he did so. Dib scrambled backwards out of sight.

He heard the door open.

"Screamin' runnin' guy!" a female voice said. "You live cross the street?'  
Zim had his fake social voice on. He at least sounded more natural with his neighbors now than he had after first landing. Not human, by any means, but less terrifying. "Yes, I do. I read the d- about your loss, in the obituaries. I've brought a ceremonial casserole dish."

"Your parents made this?" His what? Oh, right.

"No, I did."

"He watched you." The woman sounded choked up. "All the time!"

That got Zim's attention. "He did? When? What did he see?"

Dib tensed up. Zim was fully capable of killing people who'd seen too much. Dib might need to protect that woman.

"He loved to watch you do yard work," the woman sobbed.

"Ehhh..." Zim muttered. Dib ventured a peek over the edge of the roof and saw Zim rocking back and forth and the unfamiliar woman standing there crying. "Well, I don't want to intrude on your personal moment of grief and I should complete my homework but carry on, soldier, I'm sure you'll recover." Zim shoved the casserole dish into the woman's hands, turned on his heel and started trotting away. The woman just stood there crying.

Dib leaned over the side of the roof. "Psst."

The woman stared up at him in shock.

"Don't eat that. I watched him put octopus chunks in it," Dib said. He felt like he'd forgotten something. Oh. Oh yeah. "I'm very sorry for your loss."

* * *

The true end of the pattern came later.

The air was hot and heavy. Dib felt as if the humid weight was pressing the breath out of the lungs. He lay spread-eagled in the grass, staring up into the night sky.

Zim lay next to him, gasping with his tongue hanging out. His arms and legs looked absurdly spindly sticking out of the sleeves and shorts of his camp outfit. It was too big for him. This camp was for ages 14-16. Zim was shaped like a shrimpy eleven-year-old and apparently always would be.

"When are they going to come after us?" Dib asked.

Zim panted like a dog.

"It should be a while. People hate me and... you disappear whenever you want with no repercussions."

Zim nodded.

Dib stared up into the glittering sky. "I can't even see half these stars back home. Hey. You never told me where the star of your home planet is." He didn't really expect a straight answer now, but-

"I don't remember."

Dib sat bolt upright. "What?"

Zim was drenched in sweat. His sodden wig had come off, leaving human contacts but Irken antennae. "I don't remember where it is."

"How do you forget something like-"

"We still need a bus."

Right. They were successfully away from the camp, but had no way to get home. "We could hitchhike."

"Hrm."

"How do you forget where your home planet's star is?"

"Where's yours, _Dib?"_

Dib's eyebrows rose. "It's called the sun."

Zim blinked slowly. "Oh."

"How are you going to find your way home?"

Zim took off his contacts and laid them on his chest. "I was? You were supposed to take a _map!"_

"No! When you leave Earth!"

"Please! I have technology for that, Dib. Technology you can only dream of."

"Okay." Dib kept looking at the sky. He'd thought it was beautiful at home, through city smog. That was nothing. Camp Torture had almost been worth it for this...

Wait, he'd... just asked Zim how he was going to get back home.

Zim wasn't going home unless he took over Earth first and with Dib around he was never going to take over Earth.

"Never mind," Dib said.

"Never mind what?"

Dib looked over at his sworn enemy. Zim looked quite calm, almost contented. He was feeling pretty secure if he'd taken his disguise off.

"Just never mind," Dib said. There was a big rock close at hand.

Simple methods of killing the alien hadn't occurred to Dib in the beginning. He'd been convinced somehow that to take an extraterrestrial life the CIA had to be involved or something. He had no such illusions now, that rock would make short work of Zim's brain if he didn't avoid the blow in time, and he was sluggish from the heat and not expecting any aggression. Crush the head, get the Pak... the whole thing might only take ten minutes.

Dib didn't want to lug a dead alien home. Another stay of execution, then.

But it had been over two years now.

Dib would have to do something eventually-

Both of them jolted to a sitting position as an alarm sounded in the distance. Zim scrabbled for his disguise. This would be a problem for later.

* * *

Much later.

"I found it."

Zim peered up into his face. "What?"

The night was cool and breezy and Dib's trenchcoat fluttered around his legs. Crickets chirped in the grass. A dog barked somewhere down the street.

There was a yowl from somewhere inside the house. "I said _be quiet!_" Zim hollered over his shoulder. "I _just _fed you! And don't come to the door! Don't!"

"Your star," Dib said.

"What?" Zim squinted. He was wearing a gross tank top and boxers and his bathrobe. Maybe Dib should start checking to see if the alien was dressed before he came over.

"Irk's star."

"What!"

"There's a telescope set up on the roof of your house right now if you want to-"

"It's 3 AM!"

"You don't sleep, you have time."

Zim stared at him in disbelief.

"It'll only take a second," Dib said.

"If I look, will you leave? And not return?"

"Sure."

The breeze was stronger and less pleasant on the roof. Zim shivered theatrically and wrapped himself tight in the bathrobe as he looked through the telescope. "Yes. Very nice. It's a star."

"You don't even care? That's your home planet's star."

"I said it's nice!"

Ominous yelping noises were coming from inside the house.

Zim headed for the ladder. "Okay I'm going inside, get away from my house and don't come back!"

Dib looked through the telescope again. "Hmph," he said. Unappreciative alien. What was his deal? This was his home planet's sun. He didn't even care that Dib had found it? Dib would never say 'very nice, it's a star' if he was on Irk and someone had found Earth's sun for him. Dib would never forget where Earth's sun was to begin with! Space travel was wasted on the space aliens.

There was a thump and an explosion from inside the house. The roof shook. Dib started taking down his telescope. He had work in the morning. He should get to bed.

He headed out of the yard. He stopped just outside it and turned, narrowing his eyes. "You don't want to go home anymore, do you, Zim?"

There was no answer, because Zim was inside his noisy base and Dib wasn't a crazy alien who could be heard anywhere in the state.

"I'm not going to always find it inconvenient to kill you," Dib said.

It sounded ridiculous even to him.


End file.
